


In Which A Certain Salad Needs Mental Help

by milkyxlace



Category: Guild Wars 2
Genre: Angst, F/M, So much angst, i wrote this to cope with finishing HoT, saoirse’s my weaver main
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 06:31:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15790929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyxlace/pseuds/milkyxlace
Summary: HoT spoilers!Taking place immediately after the end of Heart of Thorns, Saoirse(sear-shuh)must deal with the aftermath of the trauma she’s been through in the jungle.aka, i needed closure so i wrote it myself. enjoy!





	In Which A Certain Salad Needs Mental Help

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! if you wanna feel super emo while reading this, here’s a playlist of songs i listened to while writing it:  
> -carry me(eurielle)  
> -funeral bell(phildel)  
> -hurts like hell(fleurie)  
> -even in death(evanescence)  
> -speak to me(amy lee)  
> -sick of losing soulmates(dodie)  
> -if we could just pretend(flatsound)  
> -almost lover(a fine frenzy)  
> -ashes and wine(a fine frenzy)  
> -these four walls(little mix)  
> -youth(daughter)

“Kill me, Commander.”  
The words rang in my head as Caladbolg sliced through the air. I could’ve sworn time stopped as I watched myself lose yet another person I loved.  
It was as though the one single strike has sapped all of my strength. Caladbolg clanged to the ground as my entire body went numb. All I could see was Trahearne, corrupted and empty and..dead.  
“Oh, my love,” I whispered, cradling his body as though I could possibly reverse the damage. “I’m so sorry.” And that was when the tears came.  
It started small, like a storm. A few salty drops, evolving into a hurricane of sobs and gasping for breath. I realized that, in between my sobbing, I was repeating his name, over and over. Like it was some ritual that could return him to me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” We had defeated Mordremoth, and for what?  
I could sense Caithe and Canach at my side, but couldn’t bring myself to look at them, not after what I had just done. Agony doubled me over, my chest aching in a kind of heartache I hadn’t thought possible. My head rested on Trahearne’s chest for what I knew would be the last time. All of the pain I’d endured up until now seemed so small. I would’ve done it all again if it meant I could keep him by my side.  
A gentle hand rested on my shoulder. “Commander, come back to us. I know it’s hard, but the people need their commander right now. There’s time for grieving once we’re out of here.” What Caithe was saying was logical, it made sense, I knew I should’ve been able to do it, but..raising my head to meet her eyes was already so hard.  
“Come on, Commander.” The tone was so careful, and yet that title-Commander-cut me like a knife. Couldn’t I just be Saoirse for one damn minute?  
It hurt to speak. “We have to burn his-the body,” I choked out, tracing his face one last time.  
“We’ll take care of it. Come on, Commander.” Canach extended his hand to me. I nodded, gently setting Trahearne’s body to the ground. Never before having felt so utterly broken, I pressed my final kiss to his forehead. Looking back at Canach with tear-blurred vision, I took his hand and let him pull me up.  
Almost immediately, I found that I couldn’t stand. Whether it was the exhaustion from fighting Mordremoth or the emotional turmoil, I couldn’t tell. I couldn’t really bring myself to care. As Canach quickly put an arm around my side to support me, Braham and Marjory rushed over.  
“Take her out of here, please,” Caithe asked quietly. “I don’t think she should be around for...you know.”  
“Of course,” Marjory nodded. “Rytlock, would you stay with Caithe?” He grunted in reply.  
Braham wrapped his arm around my other side. “Alright, Saoirse. Let’s go.” He slipped the remnants of Caladbolg into an empty sheath at my hip.  
I nodded, tears slipping down my nose as I let my head hang down. Marjory walked ahead as Braham and Canach all but carried me out of that dark chamber.  
As the scent of smoke reached me, I felt the storm return. Once again, my chest was heaving with sobs. The remains of Caladbolg felt so heavy against my side. Putting one foot in front of the other became nearly impossible. To my gratitude, Braham and Canach stopped.  
“Jory, wait a second,” Braham said as he turned to face me. “Hey, Saoirse. Look at me. I know it’s hard. Trust me, I know. It hurts like nothing else, and you feel helpless. But right now we need to get out of here.”  
I nodded, tears still flowing as I took shaking steps, leaning on my friends for support as we slowly made our way back to the Pact camp.

As we got closer to the camp, I knew I had to pull myself together. Caithe was right-the Pact needed a commander, not a useless, weeping tree. I begged myself to find some lost kernel of strength somewhere.  
Canach tightened his grip around me. “Just be strong until we get out of the jungle, Commander. You can do this.” Something in his tone told me this advice came from experience. Seeing the camp come into view, I thanked Braham and Canach for supporting me as I straightened my back and began to walk on my own. Be the Commander they need-that they expect.  
As we entered the camp, I felt as though I was simply watching everything happen from outside my body. This couldn’t be happening. Was this even real? I half expected to wake up back in Lion’s Arch, before everything fell apart.  
I heard my friends answering all the questions; yes, we defeated the dragon. no, Caithe and Rytlock stayed behind for a moment. no, the marshal didn’t survive.  
I nearly broke. I inhaled deeply, hoping that a large enough breath could disperse my emotions. Marjory gently took my hand, giving me a look as if to say: hold on just a little longer. So I did. I became the Commander I was supposed to be, absently answering questions, giving as much information as I could, but it was wearing on me. From the concerned looks of my friends, I knew we could all tell that my facade wouldn’t last long.  
“Let’s rest a minute,” Braham suggested, leading me over to a nearby tent. As we sat, I let myself lean completely against his side. He wrapped an arm around me once again. “We’ll be okay, Saoirse. Canach is arranging airship travel right now. We’ll get you out of this jungle and back to Lion’s Arch. You deserve a break.” Sure enough, as I raised my head, I saw Canach talking to a Charr who I recognized as an airship pilot. He seemed..upset? I was confused as to what Canach would be upset about. He wasn’t the one who desperately needed to leave the depression of this jungle, or so I thought. Had the pilot refused? No, that didn’t seem to be the case; the pilot was now nodding, looking compliant. Canach seemed relieved, but I was too tired to contemplate the situation. All I wanted was to get out of the jungle.

At long last, the airship was ready for boarding. What was left of our group stood outside it, ready to leave. “Shall we go?” I asked, exhausted.  
“Actually, boss, I think I’ll stay here. Catch up with Kasmeer and Taimi. Someone’s gotta fill them in.” Marjory stated, taking a small step back. “Good luck in Lion’s Arch.” She smiled gently.  
I nodded. “Good idea, Jory. Give them my regards.”  
“Commander, I’ll be staying too. Help out with things around here and all that.” Braham rested his hand on my shoulder. “Until we meet again.”  
I put my hand on his for a moment. “I’ll see you when I get back.” I turned to Canach. “Well, what about you? Will you stay or go?”  
“There’s nothing left for me here at the moment. I’m with you, Commander.” His tone was so gentle; I wasn’t used to it. Nonetheless, I was grateful to have a friend with me on the journey.  
“Thank you, Canach. Let’s go.” I turned to face the Pact camp. “Listen up, soldiers. I’ve got urgent business to attend to in Lion’s Arch. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Until then, Marjory and the rest of the squad are in charge.” Met with replies of compliance, I walked onto the airship and finally let my mask fall.

I collapsed onto a seat in the airship as soon as possible, absolutely exhausted. A shaky sigh escaped my lungs, and I felt tears prick my eyes again. I hastily blinked them away, trying to maintain some semblance of control.  
“There’s no need to hide your emotions here, Commander. It’s been a very difficult day.”  
“Thank you, Canach, but all I want right now is sleep.” I snapped, then quickly realized that was uncalled for. “I’m sorry. You’re just trying to help, and I’m here being uncivil..”  
“Don’t apologize. I understand. How about you just get some sleep? I’ll let you know when we’ve reached Lion’s Arch.”  
“That sounds great,” I yawned, curling up on the seat and finally letting sleep take me.

Sleep did not relieve me of any pain. I quickly found myself dropped into twisted nightmares, watching that sword swipe down again and again. I saw Eir, laying bloody and broken on the jungle floor. Faolain, corrupted and mad. I dreamed of Zojja and Logan, only this time I had been too late for both of them.  
I heard the jungle dragon’s voice as these awful scenes replayed again and again. “You are nothing, Commander. Merely a tool of destruction. Submit to my will.” I’d thought I was finally free of the pounding in my head, the phantom clawing at my mind, but it had returned in the form of a nightmare. I couldn’t breathe, or think, or cry out-all I could do was watch as the horror unfolded. It was all too much. The memories, the feverish nightmares, the what-ifs.  
I woke up screaming and shaking, my heart beating so fast I was sure I had to be back in the jungle. The realization that I was still in the airship did little to help.  
“Commander! What’s going on?” Canach was by my side, eyes alight with concern.  
“It’s nothing, Canach, just a nightmare,” I rasped. “How long was I out?”  
“Not long enough, by the looks of it. You could use a bit more beauty sleep,” he joked.  
“Very funny, cactus man. Now answer my question.”  
“Alright, no need to get so personal. We’re nearly at Lion’s Arch anyway, it’d be a shame for us to kill each other now.”  
“Well, keep up the sass and you just might have a new problem on your hands.” I turned in my seat to look out the window. “It’s all very beautiful up here,” I murmured.  
Canach nodded in agreement. “Almost enough to make you forget your troubles, even for a moment.” His tone was much more somber now. “Commander, are you sure you’re alright? I’m fairly certain it’s not normal for you to scream yourself awake.”  
I sighed, drawing my knees to my chest. “First off, call me Saoirse. I...need to not be the Commander for a moment.” I held his gaze for a moment, trying to decide if I wanted to divulge the rest of my troubles.  
“Saoirse.” He said my name as though he was testing the waters before jumping in. “I can do that.”  
“Secondly,” I continued, “I will be okay. It really was just a nightmare. I think I’m going to return to the Grove for a while to recuperate.”  
“Ah, now that’s a sight I haven’t seen in a good long while..”  
“You’re welcome to join me, if you like. I just need a bit of time to process everything.”  
“No, Com-Saoirse. This is time you need to take for yourself. Anyways, the Grove is terrible for my complexion. I couldn’t be seen like that; I’ve got a reputation, you know.”  
His response was enough to make me smile. “Of course. Thank you for coming this far with me, then.”  
Canach opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by the pilot announcing our imminent docking in Lion’s Arch.  
“I hope to see you again soon, Saoirse.” He said as we exited the airship.  
“And I you, my friend. Try not to get in too much trouble while we’re apart, yeah?”  
“Trouble? Me? I wouldn’t dream of it,” he smirked. “Have a safe journey, my friend.”  
I met his eyes before walking away. “Thanks again. Goodbye, Canach.”  
I continued on my way through Lion’s Arch, through the Asura gate, and finally into the Grove. I was home, and utterly alone.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry about the huge block text!! i copied and pasted it from google docs on my phone so i think that might’ve had something to do with it.


End file.
